Robinson
It's that time of year. Everybody's doing it. Why not I? So, this is the first (hopefully) of what will be the annual Domino Awards. Warning: The following is for mature audiences only; contains graphic humour; and those of you lacking a sense of humour should immediately avert your eyes. So please, no cards, letters or emails from the Feminist Front, the Christian Right or the Loony Left threatening hellfire, damnation, sex deprivation or lawsuit. I don't care. I'm married, so all these are already in my extensive collection of tribulations. Send your recriminations to Ye Olde Editor directly. Unfortunately for him, he must read them.
Here we go. Drum roll please:
The (International) Dunce Award: This one goes to the one and only Sarah Palin for writing a 'tell-all' book but telling nothing. Keep on monitoring those pesky Russians from your verandah, Sarah, we're depending on you for world piece (oops, sorry, peace). If a macca, mek it jook yu ...
The (Local) Dunce Award: This is the inimitable Ezroy Millwood's prize for believing, some 200 years after the 'abolition' of slavery, that a piece of paper from some white men in England had set him free from debt. Ezroy, you must protect your cranium from that unrelenting macca.
The (International) Dunce-Move of the Year Award: This has only one nominee - Tiger Woods, who believed he could go 'clubbing' with his wife at 2:30 a.m.!! Well, the result was a hole in one ... in one of his expensive cars, that is. Come on Tigger, when in the house of Kanga and Roo, leave the honey alone!
The (Local) Dunce-Move of the Year Award: This belongs solely to Mark Anthony Myrie a.k.a Butu (oops, sorry, Buju) Banton, for allowing a Grammy nomination to lure him back to the United States. Did he expect the red carpet? Well, Driva, don't stop at all!! Americans have a prepared plot wherein he will likely enter a baritone (oh, dear!) and leave a soprano. (Boom) bye bye, Buju!
narrow win for buju
He wins narrowly from joint runners-up David Williams and Christopher Gayle for giving the Aussies motivational bulletin board material just before the Perth Test. Guys, don't insult your opponents before a crucial game. Learn from Ricky Ponting. See Ricky praise Kemar. See Kemar, unbalanced by Ricky's ploy, become at least temporarily expensive.
Since I didn't get an award from the Press Association of Jamaica (sob), I'll spite them with some of my own.
The Beast Award for Journalism: First, a review. Remember The Beast got his name by lusting from afar but never acting on his desire? So, the award in his honour goes to the journalist who most wishes for acceptance but never does anything to deserve it. This award goes to "Smutty" Perkins, who talks and talks but never, ever does anything!
The Dunce-Move of The Year Award for Journalism: This one's eeeezzzeeee! The Winner is The Gleaner's Editor-in-Chief for foisting me on readers. I bet he didn't expect to age so rapidly in four short months. Hehehe!!
The Dunce Award for Journalism: Dunceness is as dunceness does, including by the brightest amongst us (right, Smutty?). Anyway, my Dunce Award for Journalism goes to Ian Boring, that genius at book lists and proposing 16 sides to every issue without supporting any. Keep on sending your readers to Carlton's, Ian, where it's safe from error or disapproval.
The Hermit's Trophy for Journalist of The Year: These last three awards are serious. My Journalist of the Year is the great Earl Moxam, the epitome of a journalist in a time when journalists are harder to find than a 2007 voter for the People's National Party. His work ethic, thorough preparation, thoughtful pronouncements and calm, independent approach are shining examples for all to follow. Excellence inspires, Earl!!
Now, for the Hermit's Personalities of The Year. Internationally, Barack Obama wins for his statesmanlike acceptance and implementation of an historic mandate. And locally, the prize goes to Orville Beckford (a.k.a. Shaggy) for outstanding, pragmatic and compassionate leadership on the national stage.
Look up 'Shaggy' in the dictionary. It's spelt 'E-X-A-M-P-L-E'!
And for the sports fans, here's my All-Time World Cricket XI, in batting order: Sunil Gavaskar, George Headley (captain, Donald Bradman, Brian Lara, Sachin Tendulkar, Garfield Sobers, Wally Grout, Malcolm Marshall, Shane Warne, Dennis Lillee and Muthiah Muralitheran.
Those on the bubble include Barry Richards, Jack Hobbs, Bert Oldfield, Imran Khan and Richard Hadlee. W.G. Grace, probably the most famous cricketer of all time, was disqualified for what I will euphemistically call "undue influence".
Happy New Year to all.
Peace and Love.
Gordon Robinson is an attorney at law. Feedback may be sent to columns@gleanerjm.com.