I have never been married, and I am really not worried. Marriage was not made for every man. But if one day Lady Luck smiles on me and takes me from Miss Pillow's bosom, my wedding is going to be very simple. None of that pretentious ceremony and reception, and all those meaningless extravagances.

It's going to be an early-morning riverside affair, with me dressed in a long earth-colour robe, matching sandals, and a necklace made of john crow beads. As for my bride, I cannot and will not determine what she wears, but she will know that all those fandangles that I see some modern brides adorning themselves with are a no-no.

Brief ceremony

Now, after the brief ceremony, in which we shall have declared our undying love for each other, we will retreat to a gazebo where a pot of banana porridge is waiting.

In place of the wedding cake will be one, big soft-top sweet potato pudding, dark and rich, with raisins scattered all over it. Guests will be free to lick their fingers, every one of them, and wipe their mouths with their handkerchiefs.

Then, the pièce de résistance must be curried chicken back and wholewheat spinner dumplings laced with Scotch bonnet pepper. The white Jasmine rice is going to be half-cooked, to be moistened by the chicken-back gravy. To wash that down will be fermented home-made ginger drink, with a touch of white rum served on cracked ice.

Those who are hankering for all sorts of fancy, aristocratic food, be warned, but come and wish me well. You cannot afford to miss the pot of chicken-foot soup containing carrot, cho cho, young bananas, soft yam, coco, scallion, thyme, country pepper and pimentos.

Everybody in attendance will take home a tightly kneaded blue draws, replete with finely chopped coconut. When everyone is gone, we will spend the rest of the day frolicking in the river, like two teenagers madly in love.

So, if there is any woman out there who doesn't mind down-to-earth nuptials, devoid of the tenets of European-influenced social graces, etiquette and sensibilities, please let me know. We are going to live happily ever after, as there will be no fuss about who should repay the banks. For, we won't have any credit cards that we would have maxed out to throw the wedding.

oxydmoron@gmail.com