POSITIVE Parenting

"The man who thinks he's your Daddy is a much better man."

- Tanya Stephens, 'Little White Lie'

I have heard of so many women's complaints about the person or persons for whom they have stretched stomachs, who is a distant father, even if he is physically present.

(And remember, last week I gave my definition of father as having a presence in his child's life. So, obviously, the difference between present and presence is more than three letters.)

Still, I have seen so many lists that purport to identify the most eligible bachelor or bachelors and I have never seen a reference to suitability for fatherhood. There's lots of gushing about physical attributes and accomplishments (which really translates to dollars), but nothing about the Daddy stuff. Y'know, like 'loves reading to children', 'won't miss his daughter's first sports day because of a business meeting' or 'loves getting his hands dirty' - and we are not talking about changing the oil in the car here. Hey, babies need changing too.

Roles of the father

I am not suggesting, of course, that every woman or even most women have a 'most eligible guy' checklist, but I do know that such categorisations are meant to appeal to what the majority of women are perceived to want most.

Really, though, I have never been able to fathom how so many women choose the father of their child or children and just don't think about if this person will be a suitable presence in their offspring's life. Men do, though - but more anon.

It beats the hell out of me that so many women don't figure fatherhood, which (chances are) will become a factor if there is any sort of long-term relationship, into their assessment of a man; or, at least, they don't seem to. It's like whatever attracted them to the guy in the first place means that they will have a kid for him and all should be well.

I really find it hard to believe that a woman can make a decision about forging a lifelong bond with another human being based on how his car's rims glisten, or how long and upturned his 'boot mout' is, or the scent of the cologne he happens to be wearing when they first meet.

And then they are surprised to find out that as a father he really, really stinks.

Many men, on the other hand, have a category called 'wife material' and being a suitable mother for their child or children is definitely a prerequisite for that. Which is not to say some 'ol' cruffs' don't hold on to good, good wife material and 'dog them out', but they still have that distinction between them and a quick fix in the back of their heads.

Yeah. Women publish most eligible bachelor lists. Men keep the wife material requirements in their heads and among the boys.