Jamaica Gleaner News - To marry or not to marry? - Tuesday

I am a 40-year-old lady with a 15-year-old old son. It has been difficult as a single mother, with a few broken relationships along the way. Six months ago, I met a 45-year-old American white man who has two teenage daughters from a previous marriage. There was an instant chemistry between us and since he has left Jamaica we keep in touch by telephone and MSN Messenger. And last week, to my pleasant surprise, he proposed to me. I am excited and considering the marriage proposal because it could open many doors for me and my son. But do you think it is a good idea?

I understand and share your excitement in having a marriage proposal. It could be a sign that he loves you and wants to commit to a lifelong relationship with you. That you have sought my advice is an indication that you have doubts. I believe that these doubts have arisen because you are wondering if you know this man long enough and well enough. Apparently for this white American, he feels that he knows you well enough based on the initial meeting and the subsequent contacts. There are some persons who believe in love at first sight and some have the ability to arrive at a conclusion about somebody's personality, values and attitude after an initial meeting. And there are persons who got married after six months and it has worked.

However, it is still advisable to try and know this American man well enough to your satisfaction. There is no set time frame to know someone well enough but one personal contact and interaction seems sparse in your case, especially since he is a foreigner.

For one to commit to someone in a lifelong marriage, you should attempt to see your potential partner in different circumstances to see how he reacts. It is understandable that he would be on his best behaviour for the first date. You need to observe him when he is upset and how he reacts. Is he given to violent reaction? You need to debate issues that are significant to you to see how he handles discussions. Is he the type of person who feels he must 'win' every discussion? Does he have a know-it-all attitude? Does he compromise easily for a peaceful life? If you don't know the answers to these questions, it seems you need to get to know him better!

Potential problems

There are also potential problems with starting a family. There are already three dependent teenage children. There needs to be a meeting with all children so that you can observe the chemistry between you and his daughters, he and your son and how your son interacts with his daughters. This is not a relationship that should be rushed but a process for all concerned to get to know each other. And after these meetings, you and your suitor should discuss the wedding plans with your offsprings.

There is also a potential for cultural conflict. I assume that you would want to settle in the United States. You need to really know that mixed marriages and mixed offsprings have challenges. These are not insurmountable but need open and frank discussion. You would need to meet your potential in-laws and other significant persons in his life and judge if they will accept you. You need also to know the area in which he lives and if they have a history of accepting Jamaicans.

It is possible your excitement about the proposal has to do with going to 'greener pastures.' However, you need to remember that there is an economic recession in the USA and it might not be a bed of roses. You need to have a frank discussion about finances. There are also other issues to explore such as religious beliefs and values.

You should tell him that you are interested in the proposal but you need more time to get to know him better and that you would like, if possible, to get pre-marital counselling.

All the best in your love life.

Send your questions and comments to our counsellor at editor@gleanerjm.com or fax: 922-6223; and check The Gleaner every Tuesday for a response.