'Diminished sexual longing is the external manifestation of a fear of intimacy.'

- Kaplan

When Janetand Tommy decided to get married, they had a torrid love affair with sex almost every day and they were a sexually satisfied couple, the envy of their colleagues. After two years of marriage, both partners were immersed in their careers, Janet being an advertising executive and Tommy, a financial analyst. The result: they were not making love as often, as long as three and four months apart.

Frustrating

How frustrating it is for couples when one partner has gone off sex, with no sexual desire, and the other party may be burning with desire and rearing to go. It is normal for partners in committed relationships to differ in the frequency for making love.

Low sex drive is a major problem in relationships and, as such, couples miss out on the fun and intimacy. This leads to feelings of rejection and resentment and eventual feelings of doubt about their attractiveness and sexuality. Admiration and attention from an outside party may eventually lead to infidelity with relationships developing outside the main union as individuals seek sexual gratification.

A clinical definition of low sexual drive, now called hypoactive sexual desire (HSD), is engaging in some form of sexual activity, including sexual intercourse, masturbation or sexual fantasies or urges less than twice per month. One may constantly reject sexual advances, especially if practising safe sex, yet still have a strong sex drive. Simply put, persons with HSD are just not interested in sex.

Men are particularly disturbed about a low sex drive and women feel threatened as their men may start to look elsewhere for sex. At the root of low sex drive are feelings about self, where self-confidence looms large, crippling one's ability to engage and immerse oneself in certain sexual activities. Low self-worth leads to physical failures in sexual satisfaction such as difficulty in reaching an orgasm, erectile dysfunction (impotence) and painful intercourse.

Common causes

Other common causes of low sex drive include:

Relationship issues which are often swept under the carpet, and a refusal to talk about the issues. This naturally sets up a block to sexual desire and wanting to be close to your partner. It is important that couples find ways to talk things through or seek counselling and sexual therapy.

Partner concerns are usually sensitive and contribute to being turned off from engaging in sex. It may be a hygiene matter or personal sexual performance and only by honest communication can you and your partner get around these sensitive issues.

Past sexual encounters may have been so painful that they still conjure up negative feelings about sex. Long-simmering resentment from past abuse may kill your sex drive.

Fears about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy or just simply being hurt by your partner may inhibit sexual desire.

Physical ailments or debilitated, tired and in pain, so sex would not be on your mind.

According to BBC relationships, (bbc.co.uk), common conditions which contribute to physical malaise include: depression; childbirth; alcoholism; substance abuse; illnesses related to hormone production, especially testosterone in men and oestrogen in women; pituitary conditions and certain prescription drugs for conditions like hypertension, anxiety and depression. Diabetes can cause erection problems for men. Women who have had hysterectomies or are experiencing menopause may have a shift in sex drive.

Although couples may want to separate to seek a more compatible mate, concerns about HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases may cause couples to try and work at improving their relationships. When couples seek therapy for dwindling sex drive, it is usually revealed that there are deep-down hidden anger or intimacy problems. In most cases, a person's sex drive may be muffled by stress or depression. Resolving the closeted anger and giving sex a higher priority are common solutions.

Increasing sex drive

Relaxation: Massage each other, have a bath and use deep-breathing techniques.

Environment: This should be free of distractions and conducive to intimacy - soft lights, music and air enhancers are helpful.

Pelvic exercises: These will help to increase blood flow to the genital area and make it more sensitive to sexual arousal.

Fantasy: Engage in your favourite fantasy to get you in the mood.

Sensuality: Enjoy sensual touches to the body before focusing on sexual penetration.

Get ready: Read a sexy book or watch a sex movie to get you in the mood.

Be positive: Focus on all the positives about your partner and dismiss what you may consider irritants.

Stimulate: The sympathetic nervous system should be stimulated by watching a scary movie or by exercising for at least 15 to 30 minutes.

Diminishing sex drive does not mean the end of what was once a vibrant union. With a willingness to correct the problem, the relationship can be revived to be sexually fulfilling.

*Names changed for privacy.