POSITIVE Parenting

"Children are our most valuable natural resource," said Herbert Hoover, former president of the United States. His quote, in a nutshell, calls upon parents to nurture their children like the environment around them. Both are beautiful, yet fragile, and need proper care and guidance.

"As parents, you have to properly teach your child to leave," said Barney Eldemire, counselling psychologist at University Hospital of the West Indies. "You have to give them the requisite tools to prepare them when they go out in the world."

Positive Parenting spoke with psychologists on 'spoiling' children.

Gemma Gibbon, a child psychologist who uses art therapy to counsel, detailed the following:

1 It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. When it comes to genuine expressions of warmth and affection, you cannot love your child too much.

2 Spoiling our children by not saying 'No'. Parents should instil in their children that when they say 'No' it means 'No'!

3 Keeping your child too protected. It is important to foster your child's independence. Set limits to help your child develop a sense of self-control.

4 Making our daughters help with household chores and not our sons. We need to break the cycle that women will stay home and be responsible while boys can be free to do as they choose. It is essential to encourage our sons to show their emotions and to be more responsible.

5 We spoil our children's development by telling them 'they play too much'. This is a wonderful way to teach morals and manners and appropriate social behaviour without our children even realising.

6 We spoil our children's willingness to help. They need to feel appreciated the same as we do. Even if it took telling them 10 times before they did it.

7 Not changing what isn't working. Not recognising or changing your parenting tech-niques that aren't working is almost as big a problem as not trying to fix problems in the first place.

Factors that 'spoil' children

"What do we mean by spoilt?" queried Hermena Davidson, counselling psychologist and centre director, Mico Counselling Centre, St Andrew. She said that there are several things that are often considered 'factors' that 'spoil' children.

1. When parents give children everything they want. Giving children everything they need does not necessarily mean that they are spoilt. They can be taught to appreciate and value what they get.

2. Children from middle/upper-income families are spoilt. These children are usually pushed harder to achieve. They are more exposed to the theatre, fine arts, and will write better essays because of their experience.

3. Parents, especially single parents in the upper/middle-income bracket, spoil their children by overcompensating.

4. Parents who do not want their children to be angry, unhappy, bored, etc., spoil them.

5. Children who are gifted, for example, academically, at sports, or with creativity, are spoilt by their parents.

6. 'Teachers' pets' are always spoilt.

"Usually, we say that children are spoilt because their parents give them everything they need," Davidson said. "Why do we believe that a parent would deliberately spoil a child?"

She said that it all boils down to guidance. "They must learn to understand and respect others. Parents must make sure that they are taught the value of material things," Davidson said.

Critical elements

From Eldemire's perspective, there are certain critical elements that make children better citizens.

✓ Love and nurturing: It should have structured limits, one should not pamper the children.

✓ Natural and logical conse-quence: This should be age-appro-priate. If they are misbehaving, an appropriate consequence is needed. This will also encourage them to be responsible.

✓ Listen and communicate: There is a need to teach them emotional communication.

✓ Consistency and predict-ability: Bring a sense of security, a code of conduct so to speak. These are guidelines for living.

✓ Parents should have a consensus in front of the children: It creates and contributes to secure environment. The children are going to challenge the limits but you should not give in.

These traits, Eldemire said, can be achieved in a single-parent home. "Studies suggest," he said, "single parenting is just as successful as two; you need to give attention, affection, time and be consistent."

amitabh.sharma@gleanerjm.com