Dear Counsellor:

I am a 30-year-old divorcee with two young children aged two and four. I was given custody after a bitter dispute and the father is not involved in parenting the children. I am having problems dealing with my anger and frustration with the divorce and also with being a single parent.

- Jenny

Dear Jenny:

Divorce is a bitter experience for many couples. In a divorce, most times the participants get embroiled in an all-out war. All the past disputes and conflicts are brought forward to be aired and avenged. The revenge and reprisal that take place leave a lot of painful memories, hurt feelings and disappointments.

The couple forget the loving feelings they had and only focus on winning battles. This usually leaves members with a lot of anger and resentment. You will need counselling to deal with your anger and hurt feelings. You can record your feelings in a diary daily to help you ventilate. Speaking with a trusted counsellor will help to bolster your coping mechanisms.

Parenting children can be challenging, but rewarding. You were used to having another parent to help with the children in a different environment. Child-rearing is difficult for a single parent, especially when you have two small kids. You need a lot of help to take care of yourself and the two children. If you have close family and friends, you can enlist their help. You can also send the children to preschool and employ the services of a domestic helper to assist you with the chores.

A surrogate father for the children is a good idea. If you are involved in your church, you should be able to get trustworthy members to help oversee the children. You can also network with the parents at the preschool to build up your support systems. Taking care of your health is paramount.

Annoying boyfriend

Dear Counsellor:

I am having problems with my boyfriend. He behaves in ways that irritate me. I need some tips to help me deal with the relationship.

- Margret

Dear Margret:

Relationships can be stressful and you need strategies to deal with them. You didn't say what problems you were having but all relationships have problems.

You need to decide whether you want that boyfriend because you will have to tolerate various things. Some issues are not tolerable but other matters can be negotiated. When I think of relationships, I think of the marriage vows, 'for better or worse, in sickness or health, for richer or poorer'. Relationships pass through trials and phases.

People are always growing and changing. The only thing that is constant is change. When you decide to have a mate, you must realise that it will not always be a bed of roses. They will say that roses have thorns. Individuals are different and thus behave differently.

Make a list of your needs and wants. Are these needs being met?

One person cannot provide everything that you need and want. You will need to prioritise what is vital and necessary. Discuss with your boyfriend his needs, wants, goals and plans.

Two people in a relationship need to accommodate each other for the good of the union. Having discussed needs, wants, goals and plans, you then need to devise problem-solving strategies which can be implemented. Make small changes and persevere with the relationship. 'Little pinchers draw big nails'. Small adjustments add up to big changes. Never give up on yourself. You need to put God first and let him direct you.

Relationships can be good for you. It is good to have a partner to plan your future together. Money and sex can be big issues in a relationship.

Want advice on how to deal with personal or family problems? Call Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson at 978-8602 or email yvonniebd@hotmail.com.