Do not be intimidated, start from outside in. - Barbara Ellington/Lifestyle Editor
It is often said: 'In a blind man's country, the one-eyed man is king'. This is particularly a potent observation, in a situation where the one-eyed king in the land of manners and decorum is as ignorant as those who he would lead!
In recent times, some revisionist have taken the position that antisocial behaviour, coarseness of language and the deregulation of acceptable standards and time-honoured protocol that have governed these tenets should be relaxed, especially when it comes to applying them to those from the underclass or the socially deprived.
It is this notion that some have not only practised, but promoted at the expense of a common-sense approach, that is largely responsible for our current state of affairs, vis-à-vis the abject lack of discipline and counter-culture it has spawned and continues to promote, that in part accounts for the spiralling violence and lack of respect for authority that now prevail!
It is by continuing to give transgressors a pass, or continuing to excuse those who manufacture excuses for those who are found wanting, that we continue to compound the problem(s), rather that arresting the decline.
It is in this respect that we offer the following tips on being a good guest and to strengthen the fabric of the society.
The practice of being a good guest begins with one receiving an invitation.
Upon receiving an invitation, it is incumbent upon the recipient to RSVP. An invitation is not a right or an entitlement even if and especially if it's coming from a close friend or a relative. It shows that of all the people around, you have been singled out and thus making you special.
Acknowledge your revered status by promptly responding to any and all invitation(s), indicating your availability. A telephone call in this age will do, but a hand-written note will set you apart as it provides a lasting memento of not only your good manners, but the occasion.
Never call up to ask who else will be in attendance, as not only is this rude, it robs you of the element of surprise, a chief ingredient of any social gathering.
If you have a house full of relatives or visiting friends, never call up seeking permission to include them as your guests, instead politely decline the invitation, and state your reason for doing so, and then if your host insists that you bring the family along, then do.
stick to the dress-code
If the invitation says, black tie, do not show up in your latest Hawaiian shirt and white slacks! And if you are invited to an all-white affair, it is never 'fashionable' to show-up dressed in anything else!
Correspondingly, if it says 'casually elegant', it is OK to call and ascertain just how casual and/or elegant one should be as there is always some grey area where this dress code is concerned.
take a gift
On special occasions: birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc, taking a gift along is an appropriate gesture.
Do, however, take care to ensure that your gift is circumstance appropriate. And remember never take a gift along that will require immediate attention such as a bouquet of freshly cut flowers or a pet, as this will require time and attention of your host, time that was budgeted to be spent with guests.
drop the ego
Remember to check all egos at the doorways. All guests are equal, no guest should ever grandstand, or demand any special recognition at any function to which he is invited, especially private ones. In this respect, puffed-up attitude and/or a sense of entitlement will not enhance your stature, but reduce it, as those looking on are usually more unforgiving than your host, and will only be too eager to regale others with stories of your sense of self-importance or any other indiscretion you commit.
do not block driveways
If parking at the designated home or venue is inadequate, never block a neighbour's driveway, or park on his property, if it were not so indicated by prior agreement between your host and the affected neighbour. Instead, use the curb space as judiciously as ever, being mindful that others too will be faced with the same consideration when they arrive.
Be a conversationalist. Engage and be engaged. Even if you are the guest of honour, those in attendance are likely to be more enamoured by your humility and easy of manner in attitude than any show of pomposity or grand airs. Never seek to dominate by your supposed knowledge or rank. And do not be a bore and prattle on about your own exploits or that of your 'talented' offsprings. And always remember to modulate your tone to that of your fellow guests.
Never stock up on finger food, when it is served or offered. Always be moderate in your consumption. When dinner is served, remember it is always better to make return trips to the serving station (if you are not being served), rather than piling food on to your own plate as this is unseemly.
When it comes to silver and/or stemware, the rule of thumb is you work your way from outwards in. Never use your silverware in your conversations. Do not use your knife or fork to stab the air when making a point or in gesticulate, or anything except that of dining.
The napkin should not be used for the noisy clearing of the nostrils, or the mopping of the brow, face or forehead, but to deftly remove food particles from the mouth, or to be used in helping to correct minor accidents at the table.
The toothpick should not be used at the dining table, but in the privacy of the powder-room and after use should be discarded and not be 'sported' between the teeth, as an accessory of any kind! And, however, fragrant you might think it is, please do avoid sniffing it, or giving it a detailed inspection in public, after use! And please do not pass gas at the dining table or out in the open at any event/function. Instead retire to the privacy of the bathroom for such indulgences!
Do not seek out other guests to offer a critique about the food, service or anything on offer when guesting. Instead, be generous with your praise. And refrain from gratuitous advice or speaking comparatively of similar events you have attended in highlighting shortcomings of the one or the other. Be gracious always, even to a fault!
Never ask for a care-package to take home at the end of the evening. While this is a common practice by friends, leftovers are best left to the host to be treated as he/she sees fit. Some might share a particular scrumptious dish with close friends. Others have other arrangements where they donate such leftovers to institutions or staff, dependent on the magnitude of the occasion. Guests asking for a take-away package are not only out of order, but actually giving additional chores to the host of having to prepare 'take-out' and finding suitable packaging for same.
Never try to outlast other guests by staying on to the bitter end of any event to which you are invited. Always take your leave in a timely fashion, as anything else will see the event dying around you, or worse, you overstaying your welcome.
A polite acknowledgement of staff is always appropriate. Men seeking to engage waitresses in social conversation, or matrons seeking to poach staff belies the stature they were afforded with the issue of the invitation.
Always remember to thank your host for his/her hospitality before taking your leave. And following up with a thank-you note later, is even more precious.
Next week, we will look at the role of the host, as well as some traditions and conventions that serve as the protocol governing host and guest!