The English language is as straightforward as Bernie Madoff or Sir R. Allen Stanford. One example will suffice: the words 'flammable' and 'inflammable' mean the same thing, whereas 'competent' and 'incompetent' are opposites.

So what about 'assurance' and 'insurance'? Many people use the words interchangeably. For instance, translated into real life and current events of shocking magnitude, you could say with certainty and considerable accuracy, 'If you are a CLICO policyholder, you will be catching your assurance all now.'

While it seems that within the insurance sector there might be a distinction (for what has become an undistinguished business indistinguishable to many from organised or disorganised crime), in the public eye and the glare of publicity, there is an easy solution for those whose curiosity prompts further investigation of this linguistic conundrum.

Worthy butt

It is reputed that Jennifer Lopez (J Lo) had her rear end insured for $1 billion. If this is true, it can be considered 'assurance' as distinct from 'insurance'. If, however, she insured her entire body (as one newspaper claims), then it is 'insurance', although there is a considerable amount of 'assurance' in it.

According to the 'Urban Legends' webpage, "With the possible exception of that work in progress known as Michael Jackson's face, no celebrity body part in recent memory has achieved greater prominence than J. Lo's derrière. It is enthroned as an object of veneration on fan websites. It is said to have inspired a new trend in below-the-waist surgical implants. Gossip columnists have worn out thesauri hunting down superlatives to describe it - 'ample', 'deluxe', 'abundant', 'big'

"Salon magazine devoted an entire essay to its cultural significance. There's no getting around it, Jennifer Lopez's personal fame has very nearly been eclipsed by that of her own behind."

The article added, "In 1999, tabloids on both sides of the Atlantic - The Sun in London and the New York Post - ran articles claiming that Jennifer Lopez had indemnified her body - her entire body, please note - to the tune of $1 billion. Even though pound for pound, the singer's boobs fetched a more generous appraisal than her hiney ($100 million per breast vs. $300 million for legs and buttocks combined, according to the Post), word on the street soon had it that the 'abundant butt' alone was valued at a cool billion."

Lopez unsportingly denied the whole thing.

In order to provide the assurance that my sojourn into J Lo's anatomical endowments is motivated more by the Prudential than the prurient, let me draw to your attention another insurance policy which is firmly fixed on a bottom line that is different from, and larger in scope, than J Lo's.

Costa Coffee, a company that competes with Starbuck's in Britain, insured the tongue of its chief taster, Genaro Pelliccia, for £10 million. Pelliccia ensures that the 108 million cups of Costa Coffee drunk worldwide each year meet his standards.

He personally tastes every batch of raw coffee beans at the company's roastery in Lambeth, south London, before they are roasted and shipped to its stores.

The company responsible for the policy is Glencairn, a broker of the famous Lloyd's (of London Insurance Company) which usually specialises in providing cover for shipping and mining companies keen to protect their cargo.

What is their reaction to this golden tongue?

A Glencairn spokesman said: "The taste buds of a master of coffee are as important as the vocal chords of a singer or the legs of a top model, and this is one of the biggest single insurance policies taken out for one person. It shows how valuable Gennaro's tongue is to the Costa brand."

So, if the costa coffee at Costa Coffee goes up, blame Genaro. Similarly, if Marc Anthony's blood pressure goes up, you know who to blame.

Gigolo

When I discovered that in addition to insurance on tongues, there are policies on the virility of stallions, I considered this week's case and cause célèbre, the matter of banker-gigolo, Helg Sgarbi, who pleaded guilty to seducing and blackmailing several extremely wealthy women and conning them out of millions of euros.

Sgarbi has not revealed where he hid the tapes of torrid sexual encounters with the women he fleeced or the money he took from them.

One wonders whether while languishing in prison for six years, he might not be tempted to take out some insurance on whatever asset or assets made him so attractive to women.

Tony Deyal was last seen telling a female friend about the £10 million insurance on the coffee taster's tongue. "That's interesting," she replied, "but can he breathe through his ears?"