Daviot Kelly

Recently, two things on the political scene have caught my attention.

One is that being a voting member of the West Portland constituency must be the coolest thing in the world right now, because all eyes are on you.

With this by-election coming up in mere weeks (you realise we reach March a'ready?), both major political parties will be treating those potential voters like royalty (for once). So farmer Joe might finally get the fertiliser he's needed for his farm, and Miss Kathlyn might have her concerns about the market area finally addressed. And, of course, the Obama-like campaigning is a must.

So that got me thinking. What if an entire community were to vote along whichever lines I choose. That means the Jumpin' Like Piranhas (JLP) and Painfully Not Pleased (PNP) would need me. It's a good thing I'm not from there because, if I were, both the JLP and PNP - the Not Doing Much (NDM) says it won't be contesting the seat (wow, what a surprise!) - would have to play to the tune I compose. Here it goes.

First off, do not come to my gate wanting to 'reason'. Just leave the literature and kirout!

When I go to the rallies, I want to hear sensible arguments about what good will be done for the people.

The first use of some dancehall tune to get applause, mi gone!

On the actual election day, I don't want anybody coming to my house to pick me up to go to the polling station. I know exactly where it is and don't need your help getting there. If the car breaks down, I have two working legs.

After the election, you'd better start fulfilling those promises though, or I will get bringle!

Fertiliser farce

The other thing that I had to comment on (or I wouldn't be me) is the fertiliser ... farce that is stinking up the place (figuratively and otherwise).

Now, I think Dr Christopher 'Tufftimes' was in a no-win situation from morning. Somehow, didn't we know that the cheap (money-wise) fertiliser was going to have some questionable ingredients? But then, our good friends in the PNP were always going to find some grouse. If it wasn't human waste it would have been some other problem. I just don't think anybody could have imagined the problem would be so, ahem ... gut wrenching.

I'm not sure what bothers people more; that they're eating food fertilised partly by filth, or that the filth is from foreigners' butts! I think we prefer to eat what we helped (in all ways) to grow! But the real question about the fertiliser is this: what else is in it? Mi nuh waan know!

Fertilise my inbox at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com

Prime Minister Bruce Golding (right) examines fertiliser at Port Bustamante, Kingston, on October 24. Joining in the inspection are Industry Minister Karl Samuda (left) and Agriculture Minister Dr Christopher Tufton. The fertliser was imported by the Government to provide it at a cheaper cost to farmers. - Norman Grindley/Acting Photography Editor