Having a better relationship with your parents isn't always easy, but it can be done.

Most parents want to raise a child who is able to maximise his/her potential, is socially competent, self-reliant and who resists peer pressure. What kind of parent would you need to be, or what style of parenting would you need to adopt to increase the probability of raising such children?

One of the primary roles of parents is to socialise the child to influence, teach and control the child while being attentive, while being supportive and accepting of the child's needs. Parents have to consciously foster individuality, assertiveness and self-control. In other words, parents need to gauge the level of warmth they demonstrate to their children and the amount of control, i.e. limits, they impose on their children.

Warmth and control are the key ingredients in the parenting styles affecting children: Too little or too much has definite effects on the behaviour, self-control and self-esteem of children. Research has shown that parenting styles fall into three or four main categories with a set of consequences for child development. These categories are:

Uninvolved or neglectful parenting

Low on both warmth and control.

Indifferent, unsupportive, uninvolved in children's lives.

Show no affection.

No effort to monitor or control behavior.

Parents' attention focused on themselves and their needs.

Results

Inconsistent behavior patterns, emotionally withdrawn, antisocial as teenagers.

More likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour and drugs.

Permissive parenting

High on warmth but low on control.

Nurturing, warm, affectionate, involved.

Often allow children to make their own decisions.

Inconsistent discipline. Often give in to children's demands.

Highly accepting of the child's impulses and activities.

Results

Children tend to be immature, lack self-control, explore less.

In the better cases, they are independent and willing to learn and accept defeat.

Unlikely to accept responsibility for their actions

Tend to remain dependent in early adulthood.

Authoritarian

Low on warmth and high on control.

More detached.

Not openly demonstrative in warmth and affection.

Do not explain rules or punishments.

Punishments are often harsh.

Cold and unresponsive to children's needs.

Results

Unhappy, distrustful, ineffective in social interactions, and often dependent as adults.

Self-esteem often low.

Lack confidence.

Lack spontaneity and curiosity.

May have problems with behavior and impulse control in parents' absence.

Often anxious, higher levels of depression. Authoritative

High on warmth and control, i.e. shows love and value discipline.

Use praise, approval, rewards.

Give reasons and explanations for rules and punishment.

Encourage independence.

Allow children to explore.

Results

Successful, self-reliant, articulate, happy with themselves, generous with others.

Socially competent.

Usually liked by both teachers and peers, and do well in school.

Most recommended style.

Which are you?

Children need both discipline and expressive emotional support to become healthy adults.

If you are too permissive, then learn to set clear rules, set limits, enforce them, and confront unacceptable behavior.

If your tendency is to be demanding and authoritarian, then work on the warm, supportive aspect of parenting.

Avoid harsh physical punishment or put-downs, e.g. ridicule, or comparisons which attack a child's sense of self-worth.

Keep in mind that although harsh forms of punishment might produce compliance immediately, they often produce resentment and hostility that negatively affect children in school and among their peers.

Your positive response to good behavior is one of the most powerful tools you can use to increase obedience and decrease punitive actions. Learn to build a consistent loving bond with your children as your best parenting tool.

Dr H. Grace Muftizade, counselling psychologist, offers counselling to adults and children with stress and anxiety-based emotional and behavioural issues; parental guidance; and a Relax Kids programme to improve relaxation, build confidence, self-esteem and increase positive thinking in children. Contact number: 586-2015.