Dear Counsellor:

My husband and I are having problems. We have disputes about several issues. We have three children and we both work. I would like some tips on how to resolve conflicts.

- June

Dear June:

Relationships are filled with difficulties, conflicts and disputes. Each individual has a past and a background which will influence his behaviour. Each person has preconceived ideas about how matters should be pursued.

It is always wise to seek guidance and counsel about issues. You have to view a relationship as two separate individuals and as a couple.

As an individual, you should be aware of your needs, wants, fantasies and interests. As a couple, you need to make plans about what you both need to achieve. Having a weekly meeting should help to keep this on track. Use positive words to make requests and expect a positive answer.

In a relationship, there are challenges that have to be resolved amicably. The goals and objectives need to be worked on so that when you succeed, you will know. Praise and rewards are important to relationship.

In order to change someone's behaviour, you need to identify the problem behaviour and make rules and consequences to deal with it. For successful problem solving, identification of the problem is the first step to conflict resolution. Considering options and solutions to the identified problem will help to sort out the various issues.

When you have decided on your plan of action, you will have to consider the consequences and effects. Compromise is part of the game and each individual should respect the other.

Marriage is a work in progress and constant evaluation and reflection are needed. I find that joining a church couples group is a very good idea as views and issues can be discussed and support is provided for everyone.

Control of anger and frustration is important as sometimes issues stir up ill feelings. Self-control and self-respect are crucial. Each partner should have reconciliation and resolution at the top of the list for conflict resolution. As you may have realised, both partners have a vested interest in the outcome.

Words are to be carefully chosen. We teach children social skills and good behaviour; likewise, couples need these skills.

Better friendships

Dear Counsellor:

I have many friends but I feel that there are ways to improve my relationships. Can you suggest ways to improve the relationship with my friends?

- Johanna

Dear Johanna:

Friendships are one of the key ingredients of life. We need to value our relationships so that our needs are met. We have various types of friends. We have close pals and distance acquaintances. Some friends we haven't seen or heard from in years, and when you meet it's as if you were always in touch.

Our friends are important as they are our support system. We need friends to give us information that can help us to make informed decisions. We need friends to help us celebrate our successes and to encourage us when we are suffering.

The telephone is a good means of communicating with friends at anytime of the day. Writing letters or sending email are other ways of staying in touch. People like to be a part of a group. Groups can plan activities together. A group can plan to meet once a month at a restaurant to socialise with each other. Barbecues, parties and picnics are good activities to plan to meet and greet each other. Sometimes friends can plan trips together, locally or overseas, to visit historical sites. Creating cherished memories with friends is important so we need to take pictures as keepsakes.

Sometimes you can plan dinner or tea parties at home to entertain your friends. A games night with scrabble and checkers is entertaining as well as a movie night.

Remembering birthdays, anniversaries and special events is important, as is the exchanging of gifts at Christmas.

You need to share with friends and meet your needs. Friendships are forever and we should cherish them.

For counsel on family-related or other life issues, call Dr Yvonnie Bailey-Davidson at 978-8602 or email: yvonniebd@hotmail.com.