I never believed in Santa Claus. The idea of a fat guy squirming down my chimney to leave presents for me never made any sense. First off, there's the whole transportation issue; flying across the world in one night? With reindeer as your engines and a sleigh, allegedly big enough to carry all the toys for the good little boys and girls? Yeah right.

Plus, we didn't even have a chimney nor did we need one; Jamaica ain't that cold! The only reason I stayed up late on Christmas Eve was to watch karate movies. But I do know some people who could do with a visit from the red-clad fellow.

New cabinet

Usain Bolt, for instance, needs a new cabinet/breakfront/whatnot to hold all his trophies. But then, with his marketability, Courts or Singer may just give him one. Santa should also give the International Association of Athletics Federations' officials a brain exam for not giving Bolt the Performance of the Year award. Morons!

I also see St Nick bringing some good Scotch whisky to cure the nerves of those members of boards who have not yet been asked to shape up and or ship out. Can't be a good feeling to think you're going to be next on the chopping block. Santa may also have to bring the compensation package to the sugar workers still waiting to hear news on the divestment of the industry. Like Jimmy Cliff's song, they're 'sitting here in limbo'.

The hangman/executioner may believe that his Christmas has come early considering the parliamentarians (albeit they looked like they were hanging out at the pub) voted to retain the death penalty. Still, Santa may have to bring him some job applications because I still don't think anyone is going to swing anytime soon!

Good security system

René Simoes is also looking for a good security system for his house because by the sounds of it, Capt Horace Burrell is looking to break every bone in his body (I would too, quite frankly). Speaking of football, the Reggae Boyz programme needs to win the Digicel Caribbean Championships. We know we still have to play for it, but maybe Santa might gift us some friendly referees?

You know, the more I think of it, Santa couldn't have carried all that stuff; he would have had back spasms lugging that sack. As for me, I don't want much. But I could do with a pick-up truck, a laptop and maybe a recliner for my room. Nothing much, just stuff to make my lifetime a bit more enjoyable.

Oh, but then I don't believe in Santa so I'm not on his list. Darn!

Make a wish at daviot.kelly@gleanerjm.com.

Santa and Donald star in 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' Monday on Disney Channel.