The popular saying which claims 'one hand cannot clap' may not be applicable to successful marriages. It is quite possible, marriage counsellors note, for one individual to be completely responsible for the making his or her marriage work.

Those who believe in Christian principles possess this advantage, claims marriage counsellor George Ramocan, who recently made a presentation on marital health at the Sagicor auditorium in Kingston.

"The problem is, we each focus on what is going wrong and not on what is going right," the counsellor claims. "Do you have a spouse who is not crippled and bedridden? Give thanks. Rejoice in his or her good health. It is a blessing. Are your children in good health? Give thanks."

Focusing on the positives in your marriage is just one principle that will immediately bring results, he claims, as this shifts our focus towards the things which really matter.

Another, also based on the Bible, the counsellor states, is: "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition." This advises members of the marital partnership not to seek goals which might come at the expense of your relationship.

Yet another principle is: "Let each esteem each other."

Couples, George Ramocan notes, should treat each other with respect, taking into consideration views, opinions and needs.

Blurting and hurting

The counsellor further advises the partner who wishes to change his or her marriage life for the better to change his or her communication style.

"Stop blurting and hurting. Think of the possible response and its consequences before you open your mouth. Plan what you want to say in line with the results you need.

"Look for the good in your spouse and focus on that. The problem is that we are focusing on what is wrong instead of basking in what is right.

"Express admiration for his good qualities instead of asking him if he is a man. Stop assaulting him as he comes through the door with accusations. If you really want positive outcomes, begin to rehearse this by preparing praise for his ears."

Using praise

Researchers note that relationships benefit from using praise to complaints in the ratio of five to one.

"There must be five times the amount of praise and encouragement as there are complaints. For many, however, the very opposite is true," George Ramocan noted.

"One individual can make a marriage succeed. Do the things which can cause your spouse to make the change. Read success stories and fill your mind with positive thoughts about marriage," the counsellor advised.

- Outlook Team